Anxiety is a phantom that’s been my shadow for years. You say I have anxiety like it’s negative, but anxiety is a coin toss. Some days, my mind is a prison, an escape room I can’t leave, a tower in a castle that makes me wish I could climb down Rapunzel’s hair.
I wouldn’t wish anxiety on anyone, but anxiety isn’t all bad. I used to say, I care too much, like it’s bad, but having an emotion that I feel so strongly makes what I say, what I do, how I care as real and true. I may like sweets, but I don’t sugarcoat this truth.
Anxiety makes me plan ahead, keep to a schedule, pay attention. Anxiety pushes me to work hard, to find strength when Life pitches me struggles and problems and makes me want to give up. Anxiety makes me write about my stresses, pushes me to create stories out of thin air, like I’m suddenly a magician, about what it’s like to endure and succeed despite one’s struggles. Anxiety opens my mind like Pandora’s box, and although I’ve seen the inside far too much, I am a better friend, girlfriend, daughter, sister, person because anxiety is a parable that teaches me how to be a friend to others, how to listen and relate when Life makes you want to stop trying.
So, who cares if I care a lot? You say I have anxiety like it’s only a bad thing, but I’d beg to differ.
Kelly Esparza (she/her) is an editor and writer who holds a BA in English and a BA in Creative Writing from the University of Arizona. Her writing has been published in various literary journals and anthologies, and her YA short story, “Destiny Says,” was nominated for a Pushcart Prize. She is the EIC of FLARE Magazine, a literary magazine dedicated to publishing stories, essays, and poems about chronic illness, mental health, and disabilities written by those who experience these things. Find out more on her website: kellyesparza.wordpress.com and follow her on Twitter, Instagram, and Bluesky.
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