i am eight when i realize i am
addicted to confessing. i am made
of tiny volcanoes. i hunt for the first
willing soul and i explode.
the remains are not burned.
my thoughts and my words, what i
did or failed to do–the world
is entirely undisturbed by my
horror. because
i am not a bad person.
i am a good person.
no, when toddlers throw tantrums
we ignore them. we let them scream
and throw. we do not budge we
leave them, because in entertaining
such behavior, we encourage it.
i am a bad person.
the world is telling me through silence.
i swore i would stop.
i do it again tomorrow.
i, am, was, am indebted to the release.
dramatic, anal, begging, i poke and spill.
i forget to say some things, but that’s okay.
it is not okay.
bad people remain bad because when you
do not speak it, you refuse to repent. you
must repent to be good.
i am not a good person.
i am a good person.
i line up the tiny volcanoes. i put the good
ones on the right and the bad ones on the left
because i believe in god i take hot goop and
cover the openings on the righteous side of
the room.
did you know thinking good thoughts means
you hate yourself? and the people you love?
this is because good things catch you off-guard
so when you think about them you make them
not happen and that makes you a bad person.
i am a good person.
bad things catch you off-guard too, but only if
you let them. i will not let them.
i am a good person.
i tickle the left volcano noses with craft store
feathers. i pour peppercorns over the lava. i kick
them over like ant hills and watch the hot poison
flood the room. i put a straw to the ground and i
lap it up, suck it in. i melt from the inside out.
i am a good person.
Julianna Rezza (she/her) creates because as a young woman moving through transitions, decisions, chronic illness, OCD, and a world that needs a lot of love, writing is the way she clarifies ambiguous and big emotions. She creates poetry that is based in memories and storytelling, in medicine and the natural world, in intuitive formatting, and in extremely particular language, because she is an amalgamation of disciplines: a writer, a biologist, and an actor. Each piece she creates is made in pursuit of connection through authenticity.
Serotonin 