I punish myself for not staying the same. Not being the person I used to be. Does a tree during winter punish itself for losing its leaves? Does an iceberg in summer punish itself for turning to water? I’m not grieving who I used to be. That person doesn’t exist. I’m grieving a ghost. An entity. A fabricated identity.
I’m a writer, and making up stories is what I do. Yet sometimes I forget these stories aren’t true. I started a competition with a ghost. The questions are what hurt me most. Endless and agonizing. Would past me be disappointed in who I have come to be? Yet past me was disappointed at who she already was.
We’d meet at a café. She’d be dressed in a skin-tight dress hugging her more slender frame. She’d gawk at my baggy tee and curvy body. I could tell she was trying to hide her disappointment. We are still horrible at hiding our emotions. She’d check Instagram and not meet my gaze.
Her red, veiny eye was a reminder of my past. She’d notice my new glass eye, a reminder that things do come to an end. But she did not ask how the eye removal surgery went. She was more focused on other things.
“Do we ever fall in love again?” She’d ask bluntly. I’d nod.
“So we are happy again?” She’d ask.
“Not exactly.” I’d respond.
“Huh?” A confused expression morphed onto her face, “But that’s all we dreamed of. It’s all we worked for. We got it and still aren’t happy?”
“Yeah, it’s rewarding but really hard. It hasn’t changed what’s going on inside our head.”
“Then what will?”
“We will.”
I’d get up to leave. She would frown slightly. Hints of abandonment falling through the cracks. How could I leave her like this? I know how hard it can be. How could I abandon myself? Anxiety rose within me, telling me to sit back down. But I stayed standing.
“I love you. I am not abandoning you. Just moving on. I need to move on.” I walked towards her and bent down to give her an awkward side hug. I smiled, “I’m not totally sure. But I think we will be okay.”
Bella Melardi is an OCADU student studying creative writing. She loves doing abstract art and writing evocative and expressive poems in a mix of forms! She is very passionate about all things creative. She has one glass eye which inspires a lot of her work.
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