Trichotillomania
(Trigger warning: anxiety disorders, hair pulling, self-harm)
Strands of hair fall one by one
light brown and brittle, delicate enough
to thread a sewing needle—
My hair? The thread.
My fingers? The needle.
As I continue to pull, a welcome
solace offers great relief
alongside even greater repercussions.
Why is it like this? What happened to it?
the hairdresser inquires, innocent,
with quiet concern. Quick to respond,
medication side effects— my mom shields
the truth, to protect me from further shame.
Side effects may have caused weak hair,
yet, this hair loss is self-induced.
It has been all this time.
Rock Bottom
(Trigger warning: suicidal ideation, self-harm, addiction, eating disorder)
The faux comfort swimming through a wine bottle.
The smoke leaving the end of an ashy cigarette.
The temptation of the blade across my skin.
The puff of vapor leaving my lips after using a pen
laced with THC. A gallon of ice cream eaten as quickly
as possible, as if I was in a food eating contest
with myself— no winners. The more harm taken out
on the self only offers temporary peace, cloaking
despair with denial.
Until the vices no longer serve their purpose to cope.
Now, a punishment for not seeking proper help sooner.
Instead, the void presents an offer too good to be true:
take away all pain, in exchange for my life— in the fine
print: pain is merely transferred to all who care, those
who love. The Grim Reaper hovers nearby, anticipating
the moment, waiting to take my soul to the other side.
Not today.
Sarah Smith is a published poet, writer, artist, and certified creative arts therapist. Smith lives in Cleveland, Ohio, USA with her husband and three cats. Smith manages a creative arts blog entitled Chronicles of a Disillusioned Optimist and also has poetry anthologies available for sale on Amazon. For more information, please visit Smith’s website: https://sarahelisabethsmith.wordpress.com
Serotonin 